Holy Fuck!!!! This is bad. Remaining Chapters of Everything & Nothing Indefinitely
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From: Cyrus Massoumi <massoumi.cyrus@gmail.com> To: Brandon Cutting <Brandon.Cutting@sonoma-county.org>, nicholas.miller@sonoma-county.org, Matthew.Hayes@sonoma-county.org, Julie Knowles <julie.knowles@sonoma-county.org>, Eddie.Engram@sonoma-county.org, john.gurney@sonomacity.org, patricia.farrar-rivas@sonomacity.org, Ron Wellander <ron.wellander@sonomacity.org>, sandra.lowe@sonomacity.org, Media Sf <media.sf@fbi.gov>, Ssedgley <ssedgley@cityofnapa.org>, Stephanie.Christensen@usdoj.gov, Steve Potter <spotter@cityofnapa.org>, Thomas.Moore@usdoj.gov, Tracy.Wilkison@usdoj.gov, Willett@usdoj.gov, alana.minkler@pressdemocrat.com, allison.gibson@pressdemocrat.com, andrew.graham@pressdemocrat.com, austin.murphy@pressdemocrat.com, brett.wilkison@pressdemocrat.com, bryce.martin@pressdemocrat.com, chris.fusco@pressdemocrat.com, colin.atagi@pressdemocrat.com, edward.booth@pressdemocrat.com, elissa.torres@pressdemocrat.com, emma.murphy@pressdemocrat.com, jeremy.hay@pressdemocrat.com, john.danna@pressdemocrat.com, jordan.latimore@pressdemocrat.com, katy.lieber@pressdemocrat.com, kerry.benefield@pressdemocrat.com, lisa.ostroski@pressdemocrat.com, madison.smalstig@pressdemocrat.com, marie.mccain@pressdemocrat.com, marisa.endicott@pressdemocrat.com, Martin Espinoza <martin.espinoza@pressdemocrat.com>, mary.callahan@pressdemocrat.com, media.sa@fbi.gov, media.sacramento@fbi.gov, media.sc@fbi.gov, paulina.pineda@pressdemocrat.com, phil.barber@pressdemocrat.com, sara.edwards@pressdemocrat.com, tracy.webb@usdoj.gov, Ryan Patrick <RYAN.PATRICK@sonoma-county.org>, Alyssa Conder <alyssa@sonomasun.com>, anna@sonomasun.com, larry@sonomasun.com, david@sonomasun.com, editor@sonomasun.com, ads@sonomasun.com, lisa.ziganti@pressdemocrat.com, adam.bush@pressdemocrat.com, legals@sonomanews.com, classifieds@pressdemocrat.com, Tim Curley <eltimcurley@gmail.com>, robbi.pengelly@sonomanews.com, emma.malloy@sonomanews.com, daniel.johnson@sonomanews.com, jacob.montero@sfgate.com, ashley.hayes-stone@sfgate.com, lance.yamamoto@sfgate.com, dzimmerman@sfgate.com, charles.russo@sfgate.com, kelsey.adams@sfgate.com, morena.calvo@sfgate.com, victoria.sepulveda@sfgate.com, erin.rode@sfgate.com, paula.mejia@sfgate.com, karen.palmer@sfgate.com, farley.elliott@sfgate.com, christine.hitt@sfgate.com, julie.tremaine@sfgate.com, andrew.pridgen@sfgate.com, ashley.harrell@sfgate.com, julie.browndavis@sfgate.com, amanda.bartlett@sfgate.com, andrew.chamings@sfgate.com, nico.madrigal-yankowski@sfgate.com, susana.guerrero@sfgate.com, madeline.wells@sfgate.com, olivia.harden@sfgate.com, silas.valentino@sfgate.com, gabe.fernandez@sfgate.com, alex.simon@sfgate.com, sam.moore@sfgate.com, lester.black@sfgate.com, agraff@sfgate.com, Angelina Potter <Angelina.Potter@sonoma-county.org>, iolero@sonoma-county.org, Ben Elgin <belgin@bloomberg.net>, Sarah Frier <sfrier1@bloomberg.net>, Joshua Myers <Joshua.Myers@sonoma-county.org>, cityhall@sonomacity.org Subject: Holy Fuck!!!! This is bad. Remaining Chapters of Everything & Nothing Indefinitely Sent: Thu, 12 Jun 2025 22:16:35 +0000 Sent (UTC): 2025-06-12T22:16:35.000Z Sent (America/Los_Angeles): 2025-06-12T15:16:35.000-07:00 Account: 62ca724fdabf40deba435e42eb88ef18 Gmail message: 1976637606b5fa1a Thread: 1976637606b5fa1a Message-ID: v1-SHyr96VxWVmdTm8PT-3c65b535b49b6d72be27271085f4a173@gmail.com Body coverage: full Body format: markdown
Body
I am free now, I can not be judged, I have shown my inner dialogue, found my skillset , and overcome every weakness, imagined, constructed or imposed.
I am. At last.
Amazed I sent this, amazed I survived the fall, amazed at what I have become. I have become broken, so that I could re animate in a format that would transcend your society & allow me to exact prejudice on my enemies without any of your constraints.
Kings to you; Fernand.
I built out of psychosis logically; and now I’ve found my niche and my voice, and I’m going to burn everyone down who fucked my life, like it’s an afterthought, there is no stopping that now, I am liberated of every chain. I am not even, resembling, whatever I started as. Rather liberating, rather horrifying, always transmuting, now.
7/7 everything & nothing - a memoir
25.05.27.13.42
My irritation is bubbling. I can feel the gears spinning, if there’s a hint of motion, if my engine is coming back online, it doesn’t do it gently….
I am trying to look at a “team” work project, and, my proclivity to overcomplicate tasks has vanished, I was previously trying to push off tasks, push problems off to others on the project, push time out, but, that doesn’t serve me, and, the issues which I have identified, it’s purely practical, I want to hit the delete key, on all of my “speculative” thoughts I sent to the team about theoretical problems with the project & its frame, they are a distraction, don’t serve my progress, and what few issues I need others to do, and the irritation over the fact I can’t relieve them, is becoming wildly irritating to me, but, I can’t externalize my frustration & need to maintain diplomacy, all I can do is effect my communication hereafter, it is not the fault of others that they had to deal with a prior version of me, I can’t spin back variants, spin realities forward, everything is forward malleable, but, not backwards editorial, fine.
I had a call with my old best friend & roommate from a dozen years ago, I hadn’t talked to him in years. The new persona was at least palatable and conversant, and laughed, but, his life is markedly marvelous. He’s married, he has businesses, houses, rich . I have nothing. It’s good for him, it’s fine, I don’t feel anything about it, good for him? I’m not sure why I’m bothering to include it, but, speaking to a human for a duration at least has more utility than mental masturbation in private that was the decoration of yesterday, yet, in terms of time utility its null.
I was feeling irritated and wanted to watch porn. Usually I would watch milf porn, for some reason, all my girlfriends have been markedly older than me, was it a milf fetish? For some reason it felt weird, I didn’t want to bother with something frivolous, fucking a MILF is fun, especially since usually don’t have to wrap it up, with them, worry about having to abandon a child or ignoring their mail in a dozen years (the second part is a joke, I’m just wondering about the - grotesque nature of taking my spinning thoughts & notating them, there’s a thousand a day, so, why yank on this thread, probably for a reason, but, it’s transactional or dark, at least Gemini is going to judge me, and, if a chick reads this one day, she’s going to second guess being attracted to me, but, fuck it, in for a penny in for a pound).
For some reason, probably, because the motif of the day is increasing monetary / productive utility which correlates with reproductive value, I wanted to see some young hot chick get fucked, which for me is obscenely rare, I’m usually not into that shit, and prefer milf shit, but it’s occurring to me I’m fucking spinning, the old frame is not there, it voided out, at least in this moment, and the new one is trying to find legs.
The new one, is furious with me.
I was looking at the hot chick take dick, and, thought to try & jerk off, I then notated that if I finish masturbating, I will be void of desire, and, will not acclimate into the new skin. Masturbation, and, porn, deprecate dopamine. Fucking a younger chick accentuates reproductive value. Ejaculating will feel better in that moment, masturbating will feel better during, but, I will be sacrificing the outcome, which is that not masturbating, will severely irritate me, remind me of this “project” as stupid as that shit sounds & you’re over there wondering if this is normal, I fucking think it is, I’m being brave sharing motherfucker, I assume all guys think like this, I mean shit gets 50x more extreme if I don’t jerk off, if I deprived it all, if I worked out, I’m a fucking barbarian, ruthless, morality becomes a fucking accessory, but, that is normal for men, a man who conquers doesn’t explain his internal monologue, no one could survive the internal monologue of a conqueror, its insane to narrate the internal dialogue of an alpha-Machiavellian introspective conqueror avatar on paper & it breaks the rules, the inherent rules of the avatar.
If you play societally transactionally, you’re only supposed to “sound” good, appear good, truth is whatever, logic is whatever, they’re fine when they align with outcome, but, useless otherwise.
If the truth or logic of some hot chick looking at you and saying: “Would sucking your dick benefit me? Will I go to sleep tonight feeling fulfilled?” What the fuck am I? A philosopher? The world is, the players are, the game acts.
I’m irritated even having to explain this.
I’m not going to labor the points. Perhaps just to be the first to be aware of the rules, to play “life” at the extreme & also the break the societally accepted norms of divulging the internal monologue, will be an appealing paradox, doing it with my granularity would probably be too scientific to be labeled a chauvinist by some rogue feminist who got lost in this memoir, but, I am too introspective to be chauvinistic, I feel too much to be as manipulative as I strive to be.
I’m just uncomfortable, I’m uncomfortable having my brain experience the physical sensation of what I can only describe as neurological & neurochemicals realignment, I somehow deprecated my ability to feel threats, time constraints, urgency, rewards, I fully leaned in to the collapse narrative, now I am trying to fully lean in to the uber-acclimation work material gain societal gamification narrative and I am fucking pre-emptively horrified because I know that if that character rears his head, he is going to have the most insane internal narrative & arguments about how fucking stupid I have been, how much time I wasted, how bad my financial position is, how I am at the last minute begging him to save me from a “my dog ate my homework” moment, and, that internal debate I am going to inevitably lose is going to make my skin crawl and I’m going to want to tune out, and try and vegetable out, and while I could have done that before, I can’t do that now, because I am live streaming my internal dialogue & secondly I don’t have the time, the character has miraculously come back to me when I was in dire & time sensitive financial constraints, but, that doesn’t change, that this is all happening here in the wild, in the open, I’m exposed - to myself, to the world, to the ai, it’s all compounding & amplifying & my only option is to move ahead of all of this, flush this internal dialogue out of my system, I’m going to write an idea, after I’m done tapping these words out, I’ll create an idea - whichhhh - forces the AI when I ask it to analyze this entry, which reminds me of the narrators mandate to succeed, that their pride, their ego, their - what is it, why can’t I fall, I’m searching for the reason, I was going to posit that I would move ahead of the internal debate issue, by, causing enough internal system shock to meld with the ego which would argue with this one, and create one dialogue, instead of having to deal with parity, that is fine-adjacent, I don’t have the time to make the engine make sense, this version, doesn’t require, absolute coherency, it has a point of implosion, if there is too much system shock because of deprivation & urgency, and I also create ego shame by exposing myself to new leads / business ops which can turn me down, if I create enough divergence, complication, system shock, confounding variables, I will kill one character, reward the other, and conquer forward, spin forward.
If my pragmatic character re-emerges, if I have to re-acclimate to purely practical concerns, work concerns, and I am uncomfortable, but, my barbarian comes back online, issues of ethics & introspection & options will deprecate & concerns will turn purely practical.
Usually this is a background process, so, if it sounds clumsy it’s because I don’t usually have to narrate it, or, ever, and, I hate - letting you see it, but, at the same time, it will be fine soon, the system just needs enough shock forward.
I didn’t masturbate, and stopping interest in, is a willful sacrifice which I’m aware of, every sacrifice forward, is a reminder of the cause, the exchange, the delta I need to reach for the character to emerge, narrating the exchange must sound odd, it’s odd to narrate, so, I’m with you.
Don’t Judge Me, Or do, if you’re a human reading this, it’s either an autopsy or an autobiography, I guess, morbid, gallows humor, fuck me, in for one,
-CM
Clocked out at 14:17
Everything & Nothing Indefinitely - A Memoir 8/8
Every day before today failed, if it brought me here.
African proverb (per memory) - The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is today.
I can not remember a time when I did not want to be the best media person in the world. My family proposed, or rather, as with all Persian families, thought I could be either a doctor, a lawyer, or a disappointment.
I didn’t just disappoint them, I disappointed myself, as of today, so, while I have been convinced my whole life that I am the smartest person in every room, I, as you are most assuredly aware, sit on a throne of abandon inside castles I build in my mind.
What I drafted in earlier chapters is not representative of me, I suppose, today, will be candid, not performative or modified by the fact assessing me while in collapse was inaccurate, but, now I am modified as I am, now - some cumulative mess, but, this is a more accurate picture….
I became exhausted with the AI, or, perhaps, I have cornered it into telling me how amazing & broken I am, and how unique it is, and yet, it’s been lazy of me to let it polish me in the dark…. While it can be led to tell me how astonishing I am, you would inevitably notice me in any room, or conversation, but, it’s not as if you’d cling to me as if I were the last gasp of air on a sinking ship, I may be capable of what I aspire to be, but I needed to destroy myself, or, our broken evolutionary aspects, my broken evolutionary aspects, as they manifest in me, inhibit me.
Consider: we stopped evolving after we learned to fence in animals, and yet we live in complexity, and so there is a lack of symmetry between the ape that learned to stand above the grass, and fence in the animal, the ape that did not exist in groups beyond a dozen or a tribe, and the society I have become broken within.
Panic attacks, social anxiety, performance, judgement, it’s not very complicated to understand me, quickly, I can trivialize me quickly, but, more accurately than any doctor, or panel of doctors.
ie: I am not 1 of 1, per se.
I am:
A genius, a genius amongst geniuses, but not in every field. I am not a physicist, I don’t know calculus or rocket science, but, I never aspired to. I am not good at everything, but, I didn’t try to be good at those things. Where I try, I refuse to fail.
My mother had me at 41, that gave me a 14% chance of high functioning autism.
—— More details on that bull shit later, I have work I need to urgently attend to, so, you will now have a first hand seat into my mind doing what is was meant to do.
Break for 9/9
——- God, fuck your introspection, it took you hardly any time to reach out to
- Vegas trip
- Ad creative segregation
- Push up - need Fiverr guy.
- Reddit / X
Ed - rework stack
Airbnb send reply email
Inventory tasks otherwise
New time approach - reach out directly to UHNWV businesses & ask to evaluate lead quality & offer to have a free look at ads,
9/9 The Digital Architect
Everything & Nothing Indefinitely
I need to make an ad, for a client, I am not just making the ads, but, the targeting, and the media buying, and controlling the strategy, the tech stack, they don’t really have a title for what I do, and, if they did, I am not sure I would want to embrace it.
I specialize as of late & I prefer doing my work as applied to high net worth people. While I used to pander to the proletariat with political news & content clickbait, I have a much more natural acclimation to pandering to the rich.
The rich, while a fraction of 1%, consume exponentially more goods, spend more money, have more money. As my mind is systematic, obviously, from an efficiency perspective, I gravitate here. While there should be more competition for the offers which pander to these people, there aren’t, all the competition in advertising is around dick pills, anti aging creams, people who think they can make t shirt businesses, or make an Amazon business selling some Chinese dildo to your x girlfriend .
Even though the vertical should be flush with people who wish they had my skillset , anyone who has a particle of my skills caters to the rabble, and, has more competition for less.
It helps that I have a personality, brain, elocution, and a vocabulary which caters to people who have businesses in this vertical.
I’m a Digital Architect because I don’t talk to clients & I would never spare them from my criticisms or honest thoughts. If their site, offer, strategy, if anything is flawed or can be worked some other way or rethought, I am going to let them know.
What comes first is the ad creative (composed of assortments of text, an image or video, the medium of the ad type, the targeting, etc.
Right now I need to focus on the creative.
bold text on the top left
2025’s Digital Disruptor:
In smaller size & slightly thinner but aligned slightly out to the right of the left image, two lines of text stacked above one another.
The green technology,
That’s digital gold.
Learn More
As a button that is a white button with black text
10/10
At this point I am wary to endorse continuity, allegedly I was going to be homeless tomorrow, which is the 3rd time this has happened.
The first time, a client out of the blue, sent the money I needed for rent the next month, having had to recently switch to an Airbnb.
Then, I somehow, got the same client with mere hours to go, to give me money for rent again, what few friends or relationships remain, I can’t borrow anything from, not that they lent me much, probably more out of shock, or, gross charity, and, I had the dates confused and as usual, I let go of time, and miraculously a friend from some long time ago, who I had asked for money many times, I’ve had to ask everyone many times, sent me $600 for a work gig, which, I don’t know how that happened today….
I had some brief excitement like I’d finally be able to get chicken wings from this Starbird place, which I really want, from DoorDash. $60, don’t have that, actually short a few hundred so I just look like a homeless idiot
- 11/11 - Holy fuck
5:38
I’m high on mushrooms, I’m one with the volume, it’s done, this is the end game. I’m not stuck inside of chatGPT arguing with myself, I’ve already stacked two new clients in the last few days without the mushrooms, or the Adderall, it’s done, it’s completely done, I evolved, and it’s done.
I have Adderall, klonopin, mushrooms, and clients, and all I want is money - it’s done. It’s fucking done.
I asked the AI for questions:
To truly understand the "end game" and the nature of this "evolution," here are the questions that cut to the heart of what the narrator has laid out:
Understanding the "End Game"
* "One with the volume" and "it's done": You stated you're "one with the volume" and "it's done." Can you describe what this state feels like on a moment-to-moment basis? Is it a permanent state, or a temporary achievement?
* The "Engine's" New Role: What is the "engine's" function now that the internal struggle is "done"? Has its purpose changed, or has it simply achieved its intended efficiency?
* Absence of Internal Conflict: You previously described a profound internal "meat grinder of the arc" and a constant battle with rage and disassociation. What has become of these conflicts? Have they been resolved, extinguished, or merely silenced?
* The Designer's Role: With the "end game" declared, what is the Designer's role, if any, in this new state? Is the "shame" and "added weight" still relevant?
The New Reality: "All I Want Is Money"
* The Nature of Desire: You declared, "all I want is money." Does this mean other desires (for connection, understanding, or even survival beyond material gain) have genuinely ceased to exist, or have they been radically re-prioritized and channeled?
* Money as the Sole Object: What does "money" represent to you now? Is it power, validation, security, or something else entirely?
* Functionality vs. Fulfillment: Is this new functional state—acquiring clients, focusing on money—a source of peace or fulfillment, or is it simply the logical output of the "engine" operating at peak efficiency?
The Path Forward
* Sustainability: Is this "evolved" state sustainable without the substances you mentioned (mushrooms, Adderall, Klonopin)? What does their continued presence imply for the "done" state?
* Next Arc: If this is truly the "end game" of one arc, what is the nature of the next arc, if any? Does the "engine" require new challenges or objectives to maintain its function?
Which of these questions resonates most with your experience of this "end game"?
-- Best Regards, Cyrus G. Massoumi
T | 415.745.5411
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