I Left My Dying Mother On The Floor, For Hours - Everything & Nothing Indefinitely
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From: Cyrus Massoumi <massoumi.cyrus@gmail.com> To: Cyrus Massoumi <massoumi.cyrus@gmail.com> Subject: I Left My Dying Mother On The Floor, For Hours - Everything & Nothing Indefinitely Sent: Sat, 12 Jul 2025 12:51:24 +0000 Sent (UTC): 2025-07-12T12:51:24.000Z Sent (America/Los_Angeles): 2025-07-12T05:51:24.000-07:00 Account: 62ca724fdabf40deba435e42eb88ef18 Gmail message: 197feb0b8590e660 Thread: 197feb0b8590e660 Message-ID: v1-jgYEGYJPCj5x6SxSy-86814c409efcef9b714e06c4768fc1a8@gmail.com Body coverage: full Body format: markdown
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Everything & Nothing Indefinitely - I Left My Mother On The Floor
Everything and nothing indefinitely. I’m not exactly sure why I have been publishing what originally were supposed to be private call them diary entries from inside my head originally started writing because I had lost my girlfriend my friend, my friend my job my freedom was on the line, I suppose maybe it still I was losing I think my sense of sanity. Maybe that’s also gone. This is the first time that I’m writing one of these centuries via audio in earlier tonight, I posted a drunk text that I had sent my ex-girlfriend oh I mean it makes me start wondering some of my old posts I post them then I take the privacy then I turn them off and right now. I feel completely alone today. I’m gonna have to move again and I had to move what feels like probably two or three weeks for a few months now and I’m starting to wonder what is the point of saying everything out loud But then there’s also a Luxury to it because I spent so much of my life trying to hide my own cognition, knowing that the way that I think that I was different than everyone else, but at the same time, taking any single one of my posts and putting it into an AI That won’t give you a complete picture of me you have to take all of them and put all of them into an AI and then it tells you a lot about me but I’m starting to wonder how honest I am or if I’m just using honesty some sort of a tool so I thought that I it’s 5:15 in the morning and I have a very unpredictable day ahead of me would share some of my dark secrets when I was 17 my godfather died. He was the equivalent of my father when I was 19 my grandfather died in a nursing home in Napa That caused a fight between my mother and my aunt to make a long story short my mother helped my grandfather stay in nursing home in Napa because my grandmother was closer. All my aunt wanted my grandfather to be in a nursing home in Marin a week after my grandfather died in that nursing home on the day of his funeral my grandmother tried to kill herself, and I was the one that found her. I was the one that spent most of the week with her, then there was a conflict in my family between my aunt and my mother, and my mother would not go see my grandmother who, after her she was recovering from the attempted suicide, staying at my aunts house to make a long story short. I eventually hung problems with it, and I asked my grandmother to go back to the house in Napa with my mother and I or Vineyard there after she came back home I think that her life was miserable for 10 or so years I could never go and talk to her every time I went into the room while she was being taken care of, and looked at her, an asshole, my grandfather hole of my memories of my favorite person And so I over the course of 10 years height, I would be so ashamed to even think of how little time I went in, I would just go and ask her if she needed anything she hardly any visitors everyone in my family they wanted to see my grandfather and so when he died, nobody really wanted to see her And then she had to nurse nurses that would take care of her each day and every night, my mother would take care of her that would get very frustrated with her because she wasn’t a nurse. Didn’t really know how to take care of her and I could every night her screaming and screaming in my grandmother I had to listen to that every night for years I remember when my grandmother died and then a few months later, maybe it was closer to almost 10 months later, my mother found out she had cancer and she died four weeks later when she went to see a doctor they gave her morphine pills and she got dizzy and fell, and it took me four hours the first time that she felt to help her get back onto her bed the second time called the fire department. It took four of them to lift her up and it wasn’t easy for them. I told her that she fell again. You know I wanted her to go to the hospital. They laughed and she fell again and I heard her screaming for help. She was calling my name and to get back at her for what she did to my grandmother I left her there on the ground screaming all night. No one knew about that. Only a few people I’ve ever told towards the end of her life she died four weeks later she died in the same hospital and she gave birth to me day before she died. I was with her the whole day she had liver poisoning ammonia from her brain or ammonia from her liver was going to her brain, and that was poisoning her and so she was had to be strapped to the bed and she was screaming for my grandmother and grandfather, even though both of them were dead. I couldn’t turn up my earphones my iPod loud enough to run out the sound of her screaming and I don’t know if it was it was not paid. It was just that she was delusional for ammonia. I started in the hospital that day in the morning and I left when visitation was closing can I go back to Napa for Marin general And I got a call that you had been switched from a step down to the intensive carrying I didn’t understand why they asked me to drive back so I drove and I put them in and I saw her they had put a tube down her throat. She had a tumor the size of a baseball that was causing blood too choke out her lungs. One of her eyes was open, even though she was not really conscious, I had been with her. I don’t know all day that day . Basically they let me stay. They asked me to change her DNR and I did because they said that she was just going to be in more pain if they had to revive her all night I watched her die and said one of the sad things about that was that she gave birth to me and we were in General Hospital and I watched her die General Hospital all night, and I just had my head on the railing of her bed. I was just done listening so every time there was a baby that was born they play this tune in the middle of the night in the intensive carrying that you can hear it every time that it plays so maybe it doesn’t times all I washed . My motherhood brought me into the world leave the world die Hurdle of this new life coming into the world. There’s some complications that I haven’t mentioned but basically out of the four weeks that my mother had been in the hospital I only been able to spend the last three days with her my family in order. Stop me from getting my Will my inheritance . They managed to keep me away from her, but the last three days watched her die. I don’t know how her friends are anyway there was a few other people in the room to during the morning hours and right before her heart failed. I whispered into her ear that I loved her And handle the railing of her bed and filters if I was going to rip them off because my grandfather before he died and told me to take care of the family. I failed at doing that. I let his wife lose her mind because no one ever came to see her house after he died. I could’ve loved her with my aunt. His daughter died in excessive pain because I couldn’t calculate the hell of my family and I left her on the ground. I need my diary everything and nothing indefinitely . At least now I can’t try and even convince you I’m not the most horrifically monster person. The truth is I don’t want to go anymore. I don’t wanna be held accountable for all of my memories and I’m unsure what the purpose of the truth is all that I know is this I’m so tired of lying and hiding all aspects of my thoughts bad person a bad person if I’m a good person I’ll be a good person if I’m some extra mixture I just want to put my thoughts on paper some duration of time before my time concludes.
(Audio transcript may include inaccuracies)
2025.07.12.05.33
When I went home, returned to the vineyard, found out what had been done. My anger, that she had to die, that way, in front of me, they should have put me down. They should still put me down… I asked people for help, my government, the police, anyone, everyone, everyone denied me. COVID started, soon after she died, the world drove by, the world moved on, the world drove past my house, past a ghost, I was a dead man walking. No one knew, no one cared. What’s the point of pointing fingers at anyone, for what happened to her, he asked me - to take care of his family, he raised me, I failed him.
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-- Best Regards, Cyrus G. Massoumi
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