Facebook journal — 2025-07-13

Everything & Nothing Indefinitely - Heimweh or Hiraeth? Is it strange that a day which was supposed to be complete chaos, ends up in a rather mild feeling of… I can’t place it.

I’m dying and coming alive inside. It’s as if I’m living the first chapters of a new life, but, it’s not a life at all, and the old one never ended.

Twelve hours ago I was telling my AI my darkest memories, now there’s piano music in the background, a fairly nice lobby, I mean this is a lovely hotel, but, I never know if there will be tomorrow, or what tomorrow holds. I don’t know who I will be, what frame I will need to sell myself, to survive the day.

Some days I need to survive a new protocol, some days a new challenge, some days a new heartbreak. Some days, I have to find my heart, other days, other moments, just, try and, remember what it’s like to be, or try to, fail to.

I have a lot of work to get done in the coming hours.

I spent my 21st birthday in this hotel, with an escort. It’s strange, she was so nice to me. She felt so bad, for how sad I seemed in those days, she used to spend time with me off the clock. We’d go play pool.

Nothing feels native, I’m just a tourist. A tourist, in the land of people who feel, live, know tomorrow. I am hiraeth and heimweh.

I have become saturated with recursion. I live inside of loops, I break myself against AI, out of necessity. It’s not an addiction, it’s compulsion, momentum pulls forward.

I want to live inside of paradox. A place where there is no living or dying, where creation is infinite, where there is equilibrium, I don’t know how to describe it.

An interviewer asked Hitchcock, “Mr. Hitchcock, what is your definition of happiness”

“A clear horizon — nothing to worry about on your plate, only things that are creative and not destructive and that’s within yourself. Within me I can’t bear quarreling, I can’t bear feelings between people. I think hatred is wasted energy and it’s all non-productive. I’m very sensitive. A sharp word, said by a person who has a temper, if they’re close to me, hurts me for days. I know we’re only human, we do go in for these various emotions, call them negative emotions but when all these are removed and you can look forward, and the road is clear ahead, and now you’re going to create something. I think that’s as happy as I would ever want to be.”

I shouldn’t have left my mother on the floor, but, I spent four hours lifting her dead weight back onto the bed while she was high on morphine.

I called the fire department the second time, she barely passed their mental acuity test, otherwise, they would have taken her, I begged them to take her to the hospital.

The third time, I was just angry at her. My grandmother had died a year ago, she had just got done sending me texts saying “your wish came true, I have cancer.” That was her way of breaking the news to me, and she did it twice like that, I guess the meds, made her forget the first time, in the first day or two.

The third time, I remembered, I hadn’t saved my grandmother, when I found her trying to overdose on painkillers, I had condemned her, condemned her to be alone, to lose her mind for ten years.

No one understands what it’s like to live in my mind. I didn’t save her. I did something so cruel, by calling the ambulance, if I had gotten there an hour later, she would have died, she would have died on the same day they buried my grandfather.

How, how am I supposed to have forgiven my mother, for screaming, at the woman I saved, the woman I condemned, I listened to her scream at my grandmother, about how she was covered in shit, while she was trying to clean her, every night, at the top of her lungs. Just vile, loud, angry, vitriolic screaming.

The way she used to scream at me, when I was young, no matter what I did. Turn right, turn left, I could never win. I think she hated me because my father left, before I was born. I think she hated men, and had to make me hate myself, to try and, do something right.

I left the woman who abused me, and who abused my grandmother, on the floor, for a night, when she fell the third time. I can live with that. I left my grandfathers daughter, on the floor, the thing is, I can’t live with that.

What is happiness, I’m homesick for a place where the word doesn’t exist, I’m homesick to look at someone, who looks at me, and - doesn’t, I don’t know.

I miss - everything, but, that was in another life. In this one, I don’t know, I don’t know what I miss, but, I live with all of the regrets, even though I don’t have any ability to remember any of the joys.

Hiraeth, or Himweh. Paradox, Purgatory. It’s hell & heaven, imploding, exploding, I’m starting & ending. It’s not confusing, for decoration, I can’t figure out which ways north with four compasses stapled to my forehead, it’s not glorified, it’s just happening.

Everything, and, nothing - Indefinitely.

The system

Messaging

Ads and leads

Devices

Industries

Explore

Facebook journal — 2025-07-13