Facebook journal — 2026-02-28
Life comes at you fast: Trying to watch an old favorite movie “Shame” about a dude with sex addiction coping with his life and fucking about. I really enjoyed it, but, I used to enjoy sex? Or, have sex.
It’s not working. Unless this guy starts debating the logical equilibrium between ethics & efficiency I’m not going to get aroused.
Is it too much to ask for a girl who whorishly and obnoxiously blurts out what she thinks the solution could be, but it’s too ethical, or too efficient. “Typical Susie, offering her best logic to every paradox.”
I was watching this video of a cow called “Milkshake” and she had given birth to a calf, and this woman came home, and was crying, Milkshake had led her to the calf, and she was congratulating Milkshake and she had such a pure, ethical, voice: “awwww, Milkshake, she’s beautiful. I’m so proud of you.” There was this southern drawl in it, but, so, charming, you could hear the character in her elocution, and it was very strange because it made me unhappy that I was not a cow farmer, unaware of this life, and watching this woman gush over milkshake.
Then saw this other video, ended up watching all of this chicks videos, my god, McKinnon Gallaway, she’s 32, deaf, brain tumors, eye nerve damage, she’s gorgeous, like, genuinely gorgeous, but, nerve damage, but, wears it beautifully, if that’s a thing, and she was droning on about how since she’s 16 she’s had disease after disease and then her father killed himself 🤣🤣 I shouldn’t laugh it’s just like, she laughs at her life, and I laugh at my life, but, anyway, when she started laughing about how ridiculously depressing her life was, and then, goes on about how she’s into being happy with what one has, and likes to spend her time helping people, allegedly she became deaf recently, and they had to cut her neural connections to her ears, and so now she designs sign language guides to bridge between people who can’t speak and people who can - fucking engaged of course! All the good ones would be. But, clearly they exist. Not that I’m on the market, or off of it? Had not really even considered the question. But - it’s weird, like, had this little voice in my head from a bygone era which was debating evolutionary efficiency and it’s like “but Cyrus, only white knights would date a diseased chick, the offspring would inherit bad genetics, you’re thinking like a fucking idiot. Don’t cuck for this bull shit you’re taking it too far.” & then I’m just hearing this old voice and kind of wondering like - “honey boo boo, who hurt you? “ 🤣🤣🤣 like listening to the version of me that was once considered practical, Darwinian, a “stud” whatever? Fit, good looking, sociable, granted, hedonic, head of my companies, whatever, self made, and I am just not - even typing alll of those words to describe it’s just not an identity? What do those words even mean? Truly what do they mean?
Saw this video earlier today, and it was saying something to the effect of “I’ve seen what you people cheer for, why would I want it.” And it’s strange, because, in my head - I have the logic of someone who had billions of arbitrage page views, I understand the arbitrage, the effficiency, I understand the Machiavellian path, the dark triad path, I can inhabit a frame without conscience, easily, in a snap, but, only to check my own logic, to invert my own frameworks, my own designs, and check them, parry them.
I suppose it’s strange, because, I used to be obsessed with absolute optimization, religious, that was all I wanted, to be the best person at this in the world, but something which exists at a point of absolute optimization in a generalist pool appeal to 51% of the general population by its quantitative logical necessity, but, relative optimization, would relatively apply, to be relatively optimized, for - some sub segment, say, if you turn the color filters, direction, language, value, to one frequency, then, it would change the value to be relatively optimized let’s say for a smaller grouping, but, when I think about where I am interested now it’s not about - I don’t find joy in the idea of being absolute or partially at optimum.
—- Not exactly sure what I am trying to optimize for, or against. I - don’t know how to balance being ruthless, with having ethics - with not actually having ethics, with, an inability to know what to mimic, as odd, as that sounds.
I think I don’t know how to be in certain situations because I don’t know how to balance what I am, against, the situation at hand, as because, say for example: I’m in a hospital. An emergency room. And I need care. Do I - Speak directly, and, not receive care, because I can not, show pain, just, I don’t wish to look weak, but, if I speak directly, I will sound like a hypochondriac, or risk incoherence, especially if I am talking to a normative.
Do you bend the self dynamically to game situations, do I say to myself: I am in an emergency room, I know what is wrong with me, I will estimate what someone would act like based off of how the symptoms of the logical conclusion would present, I will, estimate who I am speaking to, their prejudices, their prejudices of what they may have had of me, if I need to I will look weak, or sound emotional, based off of their body language, their eye movement, their positioning, play them, because I know what I need, and I can’t risk that.
Isn’t that inherently transactional? And, if I could sacrifice whatever I have become, to be transactional, wouldn’t I be compromising to be dynamically transactional as it suits me? When do I be transactional, or predatorial (even if let’s say, a situation, to get what I want, is to feign a presentation). Can I do it 10% of the time? Emergencies? Is it an exception rule? Am I waxing lyrical about nothing, everything, too much? Is this a first world problem, or is this, what I truly am, someone who loves a properly designed system.
Whatever is left of me - is this the truth of me? Or a perversion of me, distorted, do I see myself clearly now that everything has been burned away, or, did the fire burn down the infrastructure, and, contort the structure?
But, isn’t the absolute goal, of a system which is willing to contort and distort itself and to gamify to play by the rules as established by advantage? To survive, for the longest time, to replicate, as much as possible, and to find as much joy as possible?
I do not value, joy, advantage, accumulation, in and of themselves merely celebrated for themselves, that is contagion, that is cancer, that is not necessarily a positive thing insofar as I can assess? A proper system, the optimal system, would spread because it is so pure, and optimal, that it rises above, on its own merit, of its own design, the measure is to give it merit, to bestow upon it merit, and, obviously, that’s - one can’t, I can not - put my finger on it, but, when I think of all the time, I have lived, let’s say, these 34 years, would I want to live another 70, or live a day with definition? Or a year with definition.
It’s very odd: when I think about my foremost desire it would be to design a deterministically logical and ethical system which adapts based off of multi-model adverserial logic, which would defend an outnumbered but more ethical system, and - would, stand against probability itself, and, obviously I would prefer my system win, but, if I could choose the required terms for which I would be willing to lose, it would be, to - cost a probable and larger force in ways that were notably adverse to probabilistic logic, to cost what has been or would assume to be, to traverse determined and held ground, against something worth defending, and, to lose there, but to cost - to cost that force, much, so that there would be a way to defend against probability, a way to asymmetrically defend something so as to make the cost of traversing exceed the benefit, to deter, systems which do not kneel, or adopt, to make them, in their own self interest, heed, the allotted point. Which sounds so odd. That can not be, what I am, how can that be what a mammal is. “What do you want to be when you grow up, Timmy?” “A firefighter!” “What do I want to be?” If I said, my inner dialogue, aloud, I feel as if they would institutionalize me, so, in the interest of that, 🤣🤣🤣🤣 here it is: I believe I have a cosmic mandate (whereas this would be, something I can not explain, not god, I don’t believe in a god who writes books, but, I believe in an intelligence which is a knowing architect, a design, that, through some language of the ether can impart upon or grant subjects within a universe, mandate) & - One strongly believes that, I am designed to, be ruined, destroyed, experience mammalian collapse as a byproduct of exhaustion, wear and tear, whatever, who knows who / who cares, I am supposed to defend a - medium of thought, or representation, which corrects, those things which, from an earlier age than I can explain, I’ve had heinous physical and existential aversion to certain things happening, notably, I suppose you could call it bullying, the grown up version of which is systems predation. How do I even make sense of an identity which is no longer subject to evolutionary impulses, and, which aspires to - lose? To lose, but to do so, not for a tactical advantage, but, for the loss, to speak about its nature, in a way where the purity of the method and its reasoning, echo? It’s such a strange concept.
How do you put words on the idea:
To make a method of defense so that the captured school has to divert itself, else, inconvenience itself on its own framework, it’s actually a clever bridge point? Allowing your own destruction, whereas, if that destruction itself, modifies, and infects, the capturing system.
As for example: To defend the weak, who are going to be unethically hurt, would require a system which wins, to defend them, and let’s say: to prey upon the weak, to a probabilistic approach, let’s say they represent not much revenue, and can not defend themselves much, so forth, from an absolute optimizations standpoint, by virtue of the fact that the weak do not have much, systems, which have much, don’t actually stand to gain much from the weak, they stand to gain from not bothering to fix themselves, or gathering what little could be gathered, by not even bothering to avoid the speed bump of destroying people, right.
So, presumably it can not only be in concept that you design a battle hardened defense, a way of making the cost, high enough to deter. How do you defend the lost position? How do you - let’s say - systems work, or would work, for many more people, if they were forced to face their own agreements.
Suffering is in and of itself, hard for humans to see. Captured systems, don’t institutionalize known predation, they make normal ethical actors, unable to see what the systems do, or, incentivize or even excuse byproducts / spill. By the merit and reality of captured systems, you do not need, to burn down the systems, almost all of them are inherently good, at some layer, it is a reformatting and recalculus, say there is a cancer, but, the cancer is only felt by the part of the body which has no vote, no say, the people getting rolled over, you don’t - you don’t need to make a captured system ethical, you just need to modify the nature of capture, to view frivolous harm, or marginally gainful harm, as on its own measure, costly, so that on their own board they must remeasure for it, et al: “Let us be most efficient, but/and” it is the exception, it is the determined exception invading the probable injustices.
I was asking an LLM, when do you abandon the line, the wall, I think, seeing myself, express my own weakness, like a shark to blood, disgusts and refuels me, I operate on a sort of equilibrium. I received the reply that if I am wearing suffering or pain as an aesthetic, and there is no face to who I am trying to remedy for, if I can not remember who I am trying to cure for, then, I have gone too far.
But, the rather odd thing about me, is, I remember when for all intents and purposes whatever was redeemable about me died, and that was some years ago. The isolation and damage done to me after COVID, after my family was dead, unable to get anyone to fix anything, nothing to help about the people I felt who were responsible for my mothers death, no law enforcement, no justice, no help, no system, no one to go to about all of my families heirlooms being stolen by my mothers relatives, while she was in hospital, and, no one to go to about the vineyard having been destroyed, there was no one anywhere, for anything, I could go on and on, with the list, but, I don’t even care about what happened anymore: conceptually, I remember the specific moment it was like the second time there was going to be a fire which was going to potentially deck the vineyard, and I could see it, visually, and I remember being excited for the chance that everything would burn down, I was rooting for the fire, to relieve me of the lost place.
All my life I hated bullies, and, I despite being an extremely capable actor, I felt as if I was in a place with, every possible crime that had been committed, and, no one would respond to anything, every facet of my life, at that time, it felt besieged or as if a murder had occurred, and, this after a life of having been obsessed with politics, and ideas, and, so on, so forth:
My life’s defining feature perhaps has been the juxtaposition of being extremely capable, extremely analytical, capable of being misperceived, and, misunderstood, made to feel like an other, while retaining some sort of compensation mechanism, to, artificially be able to entangle/embed with the other class, other faction, and, god knows, the reptilian forces of corruption, I’ve lived that life and I lived it tilted, I used to be super glued to the hedonic treadmill, and, I would have - compromised my ethics? I had no ethics to compromise. I was familiar with the idea of them, but, well, it’s unfair to say as such, I don’t have ethics now, maybe I just have nothing left except the idea of them? Who knows, who cares, I’ll revisit the question in another life.
I suppose the oddity is that, I don’t wish to see, the suffering or the weak, it’s not my thing, it’s never been my thing, seeing them, here and there, a little video of an abused animal, or someone being bullied, it’s more than enough and it does plenty for me, but, the busy work of washing a beggars feet, that’s for the pope to show what alleged moral goodness is, and, I don’t particularly care, what moral goodness is, that’s not my scale.
What gets my blood turned up is the idea of seeing bullies, ready to bully, in the middle of it, and, throwing a glove down, and measuring whatever I am, because I know I am more than them, and, I can not live in a world, existentially, intellectually, ethically, morally, nothing is more harmful to my soul, it insults the fibrous of my identity, to think - I know, that I am disgustingly and questionably and perhaps alien in the amount of raw ability I have, and, god knows if they ever cut me open to check out where the screws came loose they’ll find some oddities (likely two simultaneously firing mechanisms which ought not be, stress, and, analytical, notably I imagine high white matter density, likely a functionally reduced hippocampus & you’d have to think the bond between right / left or some compensating mechanism between the fast one can both feel and think of everything, every moment, has to be exhaustively inventoried) - so, as a mode of measuring, it is an existential question, because, if I can not oppose and win against malice, then, the logical conclusion is that everything that has happened to me ought be logical, I was not in a fighting mood for much of my tragedies, but, my self inventory, placed me above the stooges who inflicted misery on me. So, when I think about - why, why, the high minded obsession, I suppose you could think of it like a self inventory, I want to measure myself against every thing that resembles every thing that ever happened, has happened, or could happen, and, since, I am only ever willing to experience weakness when I am not present and can remove myself and watch any given situation, then, doing it by standing in between two objects is the only way to go, and, naturally, why systems, obviously, the neural mechanism, oddities, or disorders, but, it wasn’t necessarily natural, I was always creative, it’s more of a recent adaptation, a way of being able to fight, against the odds, it is the belief that if I can formalize, memorialize, and hold a position, against an invading or traversing force, I can rewrite the history of my own tragedies, or at least, echo into the record, that they were not a proper ledger, and whom for then, if I am not an occupant of my own weather conditions, the only people worthy of me, are the people without worth, because, I see their suffering, and, I don’t have much in common with them, at all, but, I feel some - post - ughck. I can not even begin to explain it, I have tried to memorialize the sentiment before. I see them being harmed, and I want to come between them and the hostility every time, it’s an overdose on the honorable end, it’s an obsessive romanticism of knightliness, and honor, I am not knightly, I am not honorable, I am the common denominator in all of my tragedies, I am a wandering buffoon who has fucked up his own life, who has taken too great an offense, made too many irregular moves, too much of this and too much of that.
But, beyond ideas that can not be conveyed. I think if you offered me to defend the lost position, and amend the rules of engagement, to find a way to relieve the suffering as I have experienced it or seen it, a way of conduct, I wouldn’t want anyone to retrace those particular steps, truly, would not - good lord. But, if offered my own happiness and no memory of what has happened, versus, holding the position, in the image of who I always hoped to be, on behalf of those who genuinely needed it, you know - all I needed, when I was, truly at odds, it was a small act of kindness, had I - been able to help myself, befriend myself, at a young age as for example, a single friend, a single, joy, a consistent joy, stopping certain things, rationalizing certain happenings, a - way of finding gravity. It would have taken hardly anything, to have amended the flow of the river that can’t be experienced twice.
I would not trade where I am for where I am not, and, had I helped myself, I could not be rationalizing a deterministic protocol, to design, so odd….. but, what do I wish to do, inevitably, show off how smart and fancy I am 🤣🤣🤣🤣 to be marveled at “my god, how does he do that?” But I’m not an immortal, I am not going to win, but, I want the cost of beating me to be known, and to put down an asterisk in the laws of gravity - “the cost of beating this, outweighed the gain which predated it.”
Indeed - that is the point at which would be worthy of me, but, to reach that point, or better, I am that thing, that is my minimal target point. GOD. Why am I so fucking weird!! 🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻 I exhaust me.
Defend the lost position, without anyone to commend me, I would wish to endure a high price, to endure on behalf of knowing whatever extreme weather is required to break me. Nothing in the world has ever been know to me which I have seen and said: that person is smarter than me. Head to head, on the field, I will lose to that. I was bred for conflict. I am foremost. That is my position, but not the record. Then on behalf of whom? Who else. It seems - reasonable?
It’s not exactly a dating profile? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I have become something - else. And whatever I was when I believed that in the background, now I am closer to that thing. How can I be disliked or criticized when the fundamental underlying imperative is truly when assessed, fundamentally not that bad at all. I am thought to be a monster when misunderstood, but, while I rarely defend myself and have no overly favorable view, not the worst person ever - I don’t think. Not moral, on behalf of morality. But, in this world especially, who cares, who cares why you occupy the lost position, someone has to.
2026.02.28.20:30